Article by Charly Boy -Impossible Fusion

                                        Impossible Fusion  

 

A soulmate marriage does not at all mean that you have found someone you match up with on all the cards – on all the issues, on everything. That would be the most deadly dull thing to even imagine. Instead, it means you've found someone and they don't ever want to blow out that little light inside you. And you feel the same way about them. 

Growing up, seeing my Dad and Mum play the happy couple,  holding hands, stealing kisses, made marriage look so easy and beautiful. Hummmm for where?

 

Don't get it twisted, I saw them argue and quarrel as if they couldn't stand each other, but the next minute, they were back to their normal routine of holding hands and stealing kisses, even till my father passed at 97.

Parents shouldn't really worry that children never listen to them, they should worry that they are always watching them. I always had my reservations about 'happily ever after' especially after 3 failed marriages. I always wondered how two strangers can be together for 40yrs, and guess what, I just woke up to discover that I have been with the same woman, the same smell, the same f--k, the same routine for the past 36yrs, damn! Someone form another background, home training, different ideology, IQ, so many things different, if not all.

When you are not yet married, people give you reasons why you should get married, as if one could just go to the shop and pick a spouse off the shelf. Even if that was the case, how do you know what you are buying until you take it home. They tell you everything good about marriage and how interesting it can be, but they never promote the down side. “Just marry the right person” is what they always say but ‘right’ itself is relative. Who is the right person? Dem never born dem joor. In my village they will always say, if one waits to marry someone like themselves, they probably will wait forever.
Sometimes I think my wife is too good for me and some other times I feel I should have done better.

Get it straight, marriage is no fairy tale.  Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy - and satisfied. It's your job to make your marriage happy - and satisfying. Same goes for sex. It isn't supposed to make you passionate and "hot". It's up to you to make it passionate and "hot" - and intimate. I see people getting married every weekend and I wonder if they know what they are getting into. So many are consumed by just wanting to get the title, some by the ceremony, others think it’s a safe haven. As usual most of us don't want to do the job, we want it so easy. Hmmmmmmmm, see gobe!

The first time I got married, I guess my head was filled with assumptions of what marriage should be like; of-course I  was immature and an armature. However, it wasn’t what I had assumed and so it failed. The others too didn’t work out because maybe I wasn’t psychologically and mentally prepared for the mess, crap and bullshit in marriage.

I’ve been married to my wife Lady Diane for years, and the seeming success of our marriage maybe as a result of my experience from my other broken marriages. Let's tell it as it is, marriage is somewhat putting up with a lot of crap and bullshit, and we must have a strong stomach for that. The word 'marry' is fusing two imperfect things together; so how is it possible that two imperfect things are merged? I guess it just means two people willing to be in a mess together, constantly finding a way out.

When asked my secret of love, being married for over 36years to the same person, I say , "Diane and I are happily incompatible and I have learnt to live with that. She is an extrovert and believe it or not, am an introvert regardless of how I putout as CharlyBoy.

The most important marriage skill is listening to your partner in a way that they can't possibly doubt that you love them. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. It was when I realised that love was forbearance that I had a successful marriage. Both parties have to know and have that. You bear and you keep bearing and you keep bearing. To be a bearer you must be a forgiver, sometimes no apologies rendered. Oooops! Yeah, that’s  marriage.

Rice can never be beans and beans can never be rice, if you like cook them in the same pot they will always be different. They’ll still perform their different functions, what you will get is a different taste from the mixture. That’s marriage, what you get is not as a result of only you anymore but a mixture of two. You’ve got to take it as it comes. What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with each other's incompatibility.

Marriage is usually a disaster when so many things take the partners by surprise, when things don’t turn out as assumed. The good always comes with the bad, so it is with everything in life, marriage inclusive. Any  fool can have a trophy spouse. It takes a real man to have a trophy marriage. I bet that getting married is a way to show family and friends that you have a successful personal life.  It's like the ultimate merit badge. My late father stayed married to my mum for 60something years. Looking at my stubborn mother, he must have been willing to stomach a lot of crap, but am also aware that my mum swallowed lotta bullshit too.